—my Gethsemane, revisited—

I sit there, in the darkness

It gnaws on my bones

It smothers my soul

It is so familiar

 

I grapple…I struggle…

I stutter…I gag…I wail

 

The same old fierce fight

against this darkness

It is here, inside me

It overwhelms me

It consumes me

It threatens to devour me

 

I’m not just transparent

I feel invisible

I am too much

and not enough

all at the same time

 

I feel anger rising up

deep within my being

…the screensaver…

A tough exterior to

protect a fragile interior

made up of….

 

fear

 

of rejection

of abandonment

of failure

of betrayal

of hurt

 

I look up and see Him

…grappling

…struggling

…stuttering

…gagging

…wailing

 

The Light of the world

enveloped in darkness

which gnaws on His bones

which smothers His soul

 

Ultimate epitome of

God-forsaken loneliness

Man of sorrows

acquainted with grief

His sacrificial blood

already flowing in

His tears and sweat

 

He prays

He pleads

He surrenders

 

Where, then,

is His inner circle

His beloved tribe?

 

Asleep…absent…hiding

 

In the darkness, they

rejected Him

abandoned Him

failed Him

betrayed Him

and it hurt Him

 

But this light, it shines

From eternity to eternity

His gaze transfixed

Beyond the cross,

its torture,

its shame

It shines not on Him

It is IN Him, it IS Him

 

This truly is the Son of God

The Author & Perfecter

of my faith,

my Redeemer

I will fix my eyes on Him,

and in this darkness

I will pray His prayer

 

Oh Lord, not my will, but Yours be done.

Listen to the song version here 👇🏼

Recognition:

Artwork by Elrie Joubert

Musical score generated via AI by Daniel van Aswegen