CONTENT SENSITIVITY WARNING : This story explores themes of sexual violence, trauma, and faith deconstruction, which may be distressing to some readers. References to rape and emotional suffering are central to the narrative. This story also offers hope and compassion, aiming to honour survivors’ experiences. Please engage with care, and consider your emotional well-being before reading.

“If He truly cares and is so intimately familiar with how many hairs they have on their heads, why is He not showing up when they need Him most? Why does He not protect them from intimate violation?”

Gemma readjusts her position in the uncomfortable chair. She wants to focus all her attention on her interview with Felicity, without any distractions. Felicity is a former evangelical pastor who stepped out of full time ministry two years ago to manage a local rape crisis centre. During this time, she embarked on a journey to deconstruct her own faith and, in her own words, she finally “kicked God to the curb”. She could no longer synchronise her faith in a good loving God with the unspeakable pain and suffering of the broken victims in front of her. Her heart-wrenching online blogs caught the attention of a renowned publishing house and they are launching her first book FROM BRUISING TO CRUISING in a few days from now. They believe that it will be smashing success.

Even before this book launch, Felicity has managed to ruffle the feathers of many influential Christians and she has certainly stirred the pot of controversy well so far. Gemma, herself a Christian believer, is drawn to Felicity’s warm authenticity. There is no condescension, hate, self righteous indignation or judgement detectable in her conduct. Her passion for her cause and her compassion for the victims are pure and palpable. As the interview progresses, it becomes clear that Felicity’s vehement opposition to a faith-based life is firmly grounded in very real experiences. Gemma is not repulsed by it at all. Instead, she feels a deep compassion for this woman rising up within her heart. Felicity has come face to face with many horrific evils, some even comparable to the diabolical story in Judges 19. Gemma has become an instant fan and she will root for Felicity’s book to be a roaring success. But there is something about Felicity which also stirs up an intense sorrow deep within Gemma’s gut and she cannot quite put a finger on it. With her last question, Gemma desires to learn what Felicity considers to be the driving force behind what she does.

“Oh, that’s a simple one….LOVE! I LOVE my life and I LOVE the people I do life with! LOVE does indeed make the world go round.”

While Gemma marvels at this remarkable woman’s attractive empathy as she speaks, her mind suddenly goes back to her interview with Amber a few weeks ago. Amber’s story still makes Gemma cry. It is filled with irreparable brokenness, rejection, unbelonging and unspeakable hurt amidst inexplicable faith and beauty. Amber is a mesmerising mix of ugly suffering and beautiful healing. Like Felicity, Amber’s heart also breaks for rape victims as she, herself, was a victim. Unlike Felicity, Amber’s heart-wrenching blogs go mostly unnoticed in the blogosphere and it has never attracted the attention of any publishing houses. Felicity’s warmth and commanding presence attract people to her, whereas Amber’s attraction is completely independent from her unremarkable appearance and uncommanding presence. From deep within Amber’s being, she radiates a glow of uncomplicated, unconditional love which is both captivating and contagious without the need for her to speak a single word about it.

It suddenly dawns on Gemma why she is feeling intense sorrow for Felicity…. Behind the confidence in her eyes, there is a glimpse of an empty void in her soul. She chooses to fill it with a conditional love, fuelled by her remarkable strength. Amber has the Source of unconditional Love within her. It is there in her strength and in her brokenness. Gemma remembers Amber’s closing words.

“I am just a regular, unremarkable woman who knows what it feels like to be hurt in unspeakable ways. I mess up more than I am sometimes willing to admit to. And while I am undoubtedly imperfect, I journey with a perfect Saviour Who LOVES me unconditionally. Even in my brokenness, He uses my willingness to help others onto their own healing journey. He has not promised to spare me from pain and suffering, but He has promised to be with me until the end of time. I believe Him.”

Gemma thanks Felicity for her time and expresses her honest well wishes before she officially concludes the interview. She then walks Felicity to the door of the recording studio while, in her heart, she silently prays for an opportunity to introduce Felicity to Amber.

“The owner of the house went outside and said to them, ‘No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.’ But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, ‘Get up; let’s go.’ But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home. When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. Everyone who saw it was saying to one another, ‘Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So speak up!’”
Judges‬ ‭19‬:‭23‬-‭30‬ ‭NIV‬‬