A life lost, a lesson learnt

“Look Nana, this is the lady we saw in the store last week.  She was the one trying on all the different hats.  I remember her smile when she looked at me.  But her smile made me so very sad.  It was like those bright balloons in Up, the ones that tried to keep the heavy house in the air.  Her smile-balloons were trying to keep her heavy heart in the air, but it could not.”

Mikey accidentally clicked on the wrong app on Nana’s phone which landed him on an electronic newspaper article featuring the picture of the woman he recognized.  Mikey studies the picture and the corresponding headline for a little longer, but before he can make any attempt to read the article, Nana takes the seat next to him.

“Nana, what is S-U-I-C-I-D-E?”

Mikey’s articulation of the word is flawless, but it’s almost as if there exists a cruel irony between his exceptional ability to read difficult words and his age-appropriate understanding of those words.  For a brief moment, in her mind, Nana goes back to that day in the store with Mikey.  She remembers the hat lady and the heaviness in her own heart.  She also remembers the sudden, involuntary formation of tears in her eyes for this woman she did not know from a bar of soap.  She never made eye contact with her…. Melanie Foxworth.  A middle-aged woman whom she now knew by name and age, but will never see smile again.  Nana is able to scan through the article and ascertain that empty vodka and pill bottles were found next to Melanie’s corpse.  But just before Nana could contemplate the possible depth of desperation and desolation which a distraught Melanie had to reach in order for her to successfully execute her own death, Mikey’s intense stare distracted her.  Nana’s beloved precocious grandson was patiently awaiting an answer.  How does one explain suicide to a seven-year-old?

“Mikey, suicide is the self-inflicted action of ending one’s own life.”

“So, it’s like killing yourself?”

“Yes, my sweetheart, exactly that…”

“Nana, why would somebody do that?  Why did the hat lady do that?”

“Her name was Melanie, my sweetheart.  Her heart must have been so very troubled and you noticed something of it in her eyes last week.  None of us can truly know the depth of sadness or joy in one another’s hearts.  Only the Lord knows how deep it goes.  When someone’s life ends, we call it a loss of life and it is always, and should always be, devastating.  We mourn and grieve over…”

“Like I still miss my mommy Katey and still cry about losing her?”

“Yes, my sweetheart, just like with your mommy Katey.”

“But my mommy died of brain cancer.  It is not the same.  This hat lady….Melanie…she didn’t have cancer.”

“That is correct, but sometimes the bitter sadness inside someone’s heart can slice itself out of that heart, almost like an invisible self-drive lightsaber.  It leaves behind only shreds and it changes how someone thinks, and when they then commit suicide, it is really the work of that invisible lightsaber.”

“So the invisible lightsaber is like brain cancer?”

“For the purposes of this conversation, at this time, yes.  Do you understand it a little better?”

“I think so, Nana, thank you.  Poor Melanie!  Do you think…..  Nana, do you think that if I shared my Zoo cookies with her last week, that it could have stopped her invisible lightsaber?”

“Oh, my sweet, sweet Mikey….  No, I don’t think that you could’ve stopped it.  This is not something you did wrong at all!  You have such a beautiful tender heart and you should absolutely go ahead and share what you would like to with those you feel such a strong caring connection with, but whatever they do as a result of both your action or inaction, is not your responsibility.”

“Okay, thanks Nana.”

Mikey is satisfied for now, but Nana feels as if she has dodged not just a bullet, but an entire bazooka round.  This is only the beginning of a particularly complicated journey into the minefield of the human soul on this broken side of eternity.

“‘I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.’”  —‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭17‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”  —‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭14‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬